False Alarm

Ok,  I think this month will be the hardest after losing my mother last July. I thought I was fairly ok because I have really waited for that moment when I had to break down and just let it all out. It never happened to me, not even during the semestral break where I convinced myself was the right time to do it. In November, I was even already feeling excited about the coming holidays and even invited my friend to spend the New Year at home. However, come 1st of December, things changed. It was my first real breakdown after the funeral. On several occasions in the past when I was about to cry, I was still able to convince myself that I shouldn’t. However, it was different since December 1st. I am really feeling the reality of my loss as the holidays come nearer, different from past months where I just know that my mother is gone forever.

Dear Mama,

I’m sorry for feeling this way. I know you wouldn’t want me to and that you want me to just move on with my life but I just can’t help it. Now that you’re gone, no one will tell me that it’s ok to skip going home on Christmas if it’s too tiring for me but would require me to be home before the New Year, by hook or by crook. It’s supposed to be our second Christmas in the new house. I’m just so sad that you had to go so soon. After I visited you last November, I thought I was already ok. However, when December rolled in, reality hit me. I am still lost now. I still don’t understand why you had to go. I still don’t get a lot of things. I still haven’t totally confronted myself about the whole thing. I’m still afraid to do it. I’m still afraid that doing so would make me weak and become demotivated to go on with my life, which I’m sure you won’t agree to. I’m afraid of what my future would be without you. I know I’m too old to be this clingy but when you were gone, it dawned on me that for the major decisions I had to do my entire life, you were my consultant. What happens now? The past months, all I did was to avoid this confrontation. But I know I just had to do it to help me move on. I promise I’ll get there, no matter how long it will take me to. 

I miss you everyday, Mama. For now, all I need is to believe that you are always there watching over us, so I can push myself everyday to continue with my life.